I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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