This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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