I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
