Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
