I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
