How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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