When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
