My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
