Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
