only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
