Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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