It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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