walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
