I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
