i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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