I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
