I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
