fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
