so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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