First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
