She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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