I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize