can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
