he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
