something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
