I can tuck mytits in my pants
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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