I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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