Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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