and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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