made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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