Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
