You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
