Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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