just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
