I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
