I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
