I cannot find my penis.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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