Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
