Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
