this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
