My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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