True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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