So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
