dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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