i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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