I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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