I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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