See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize