So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
