Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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