So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
