I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
