he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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