in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize