Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
