i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
