i may or may not be watching the land before time
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
