I just gift wrapped bread.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
