So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
