The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
