Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
