My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
