Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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