I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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