I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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