i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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